Rivals seek to stop Xabi Alonso to halt Red rhythm

Whoever the culprit, Xabi will be well advised to be wary of buckets left delicately balanced over door frames, and mousetraps inside his socks.

For someone has clearly put the word out that he must be stopped.

Tim Cahill was the first to have a crack at claiming the reward, launching a two-footed scissor-kick to the Spaniard's shins and ankles.

Realising his failure to do lasting damage, he retreated 30 yards in the vain hope that Alonso would not be able to identify his assailant to the police.

Luckily an eagle-eyed bystander, Mike Riley, intervened and shopped him to the local constabulary.

Next up is Pablo Zabaleta, a hired gun from Argentina, who decides to take a more direct approach, and lunges over the ball to score an 'outer' on the lower portion of Xabi's standing leg.

More failure, more retribution - sent to the dressing room to 'sleep with the fishes' in the plunge bath.

Hang on - Argentinean assassin, and Alonso is vying for a first-team spot with Mascherano, who's from... Argentina! Coincidence? I'll let you decide. But like all serial crimes, there's a pattern emerging here.

Remember New Year's Day 2005? Of course you do.

On that occasion Frank Lampard's mistimed tackle broke Alonso's ankle, at a time when he was at his most imperious and dominating the game from midfield.

Roll forward a couple of years, and the Spaniard suffers a broken toe, a so-called 'stress fracture', and has it done again while playing against Arsenal on his return.

Now you don't have to be Sherlock Holmes, or even Jim Bergerac, to find the connection that links these apparently random events.

Could it be that our dastardly opponents have identified Alonso as the key to the tempo of Liverpool's game?

Does the beat of Xabi's drum set the pace for the stroke rate of the side, playing short balls when possession is most prized, and striking raking passes when more urgency is required?

It was Luis Garcia who revealed that other players must tackle and harry to allow Alonso to 'manage the game', a marvellous phrase which underlined his value to Liverpool, a treasured ability that we nearly threw away in the close season.

Our opponents seem to recognise it, and are not above trying to disrupt his influence on the game by illegal means, if not through premeditated strike, then through frustration at the Spaniard's ability to steal the ball away from danger, and move it effortlessly to a colleague best placed to make the next move.

Alonso's reaction to his near-departure has been admirable.

After a fabulous pre-season, he faltered a bit at the start of the season proper, but has recovered with some tremendous performances against the likes of Manchester United, Everton and Man City.

Alonso on form is a joy to watch, mixing simple passes with the odd audacious attempt to score from his own half.

He clearly loves the club and the city, living in the centre rather than hide away in the posh suburbs or further afield in the footballers' belts of Formby and Cheshire.

Let's just hope that there's no reprise of the attempted, undignified fire sale in the January transfer window: instead let's buy him some new shin pads, and place a horse's head in the bed of the next player who tries to take him down.